I KNEW I WAS A BAD INFLUENCE
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Thursday, November 22, 2007
If Noah had lived in the United States today the story may have gone something like this: And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. "First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices. Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. "Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the 2 owls. "The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. "When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending. "Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe. "Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe. "Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard. "The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'. "And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it's a religious event, and, therefore unconstitutional. "I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years." Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has." *recieved via email*
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Warning!! This one is so bad it is funny. Don't say I didn't warn you. Psychic I am not a believer in séances, but I went to one just to see what they are like. The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear. I assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was fooling a gullible public and gave him a poke in the nose. You can probably guess the rest... Wait for it - - - - - - I was arrested for striking a happy medium...
Monday, November 12, 2007
This is what happens when you have insomnia. You end up looking for really stupid things on YouTube. I must admit, this one had me rolling on the floor. I want these guys to come to my next party. This video can be offensive so be warned. I will bet you any amount of money that these boys get beat up alot at school. However, all their videos make me laugh.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
It is the VETERAN , not the preacher, Who has given us freedom of religion. It is the VETERAN , not the reporter, Who has given us freedom of the press. It is the VETERAN , not the poet, Who has given us freedom of speech. It is the VETERAN , not the campus organizer, Who has given us freedom to assemble. It is the VETERAN , not the lawyer, Who has given us the right to a fair trial. It is the VETERAN , not the politician, Who has given us the right to vote. It is the VETERAN , Who salutes the Flag, It is the veteran , Who serves under the Flag, ETERNAL REST GRANT THEM O LORD, AND LET PERPETUAL LIGHT SHINE UPON THEM. We can be very proud of our young men and women in the service no matter where they serve. God Bless them all!!!
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Monday, November 05, 2007
Okay gang, Cross your fingers... the boy is going for his brain scan in the morning. I hope he has one.. hee hee Right now, I am waiting to hear from the hospital. My daughter got hit in the head by a door (I guess it wasn't big enough for her to see). She has a huge bump on her head, she is dizzy, feeling ill, and is a little more out of it than usual. I really hope they don't keep her overnight. However, it would make things easier for me. Spend the night at one hospital and take the tunnels to the other hospital for the boy's brain scan. Convient brain shopping all in one place. Woo Hoo! I will keep you posted.