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Friday, March 30, 2007


FU Friday winner.

It was a close contest this week people. Spring Break from school started out as a strong contender. The kids being home all week fighting and generally driving me crazy looked like they had a chokehold on being the champion this week. However, Computer troubles knocked the contender out. My stupid computer is so slow this week. I can type a sentence go get a cup of coffee and come back and my sentence is just appearing on the screen. AAARRRRGGGG!!!! I have tried numerous virus scans but nothing is coming up. I am ready to put my foot through it.

We also had a comback kid this week. Yes, our old friend Death made a surprise visit this week. My son's favoite teacher succumed to Cancer this week. This onderful lady taught my son in grade 2. His class was her last one before she retired. She was the consumate teacher right til the end. She passed away during Spring Break. I guess even in death she didn't want to disrupt the school year. Then my friend let me know that her Grandfather passed away this week too. The good news was she was able to see him before he passed away.

The next competetor is a new one here. It is a tag team consisting of my teenager and my school. They were out in full force this week. My teenager has spent an ungodly amount of time of the phone since he has gotten his first girlfriend. Don't get me wrong. I like her. She has spunk. (The last day of school before spring break, she was suspended for punching a kid in the nose. His crime? He kept calling her fat.) However when my son is talking to her, he refuses to answer any other incoming call. My school called to tell me they cancelled my class that was to start next week. By the time I realized there was a message and the importance of it, the office is closed until Monday. What do you think the chances are of me getting transferred into a class that isn't full on Monday considering the classes start again on MOnday. Can you say "Not impressed?" When I left a message for his Dad complaining about it, he called home to talk to me about it. The boy was on the phone (again). His Dad told him to hang up the phone. He meant get off the phone with his girlfriend. The boy thought he meant to hang up right away, so he did. He promptly hung up on his Dad. So I was royally pissed at the boy for not getting the message to me right away and I was ticked at the school for waiting til the last day to inform me that my class was cancelled. After all, I did register for it over 2 weeks ago.

The weather here was also in contention to be the winner. It was beautiful on Monday. It has gone downhill from there. It is -14C here today. It is supposed to be SPRING!!!! I had started to pack away the mitts and winter coats only to have to pull them out again. When will spring arrive?

However, this week's winner is a repeat champion from weeks past. It has made it's triumphant return in all it's stinky, messy, abundant glory. Yes folks, this week's FUCK YOU goes to ......


Yes, after having a housefull of children surrounded by mud and teenagers, Laundry has taken over the basement and is climbing up the stairs as we speak. So to my laundry that multiplies in the dark I offer a huge FUCK YOU! Now Fuck off and have a good weekend. Don't forget to let us know if you played along.Fuck

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Another Sad Day

Zero to 200

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services will be at Downing Funeral Home on Monday the 12th. Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service. Please send your donations to the "Think Before You Say Things To Your Wife Foundation," Dallas, Texas.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Wacky Wednesday

I must confess I did not make this one up. I have seen it a few times in various emails. I felt like I needed a laugh today, so I thought I would share it with you all so you can get a much needed laugh too. Enjoy

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people the world over are asking! Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke but the questions were really asked.

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England)

A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)

A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto -can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)

A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (England)

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe... Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)

A: No, we don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)

A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)

A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent. They roam the city streets eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. Spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking will scare them off.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007


Mother's Wedding Dress

A couple was getting married, and it was only three days before the wedding. The bride calls her mother with some bad news. "Mom," she says, "I just found out that my fiance's mother has bought the exact same dress as you to wear to the wedding."

The bride's mother thinks for a minute. "Don't worry," she tells her daughter. "I'll just go and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony."

"But mother," says the bride, "that dress cost a fortune. What will you do with it? It's such a waste not to use it."

"Who said I won't use it?" her mother asked. "I'll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner."


What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote the song "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in...

...and then the trouble started.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Bathroom Philosophers

Some ordinary folks become great philosophers when they are sitting alone in the bathroom stalls of the world contemplating life's problems. Here are a few gems.

Make love, not war. Heck, do both, get married! - Women's restroom. Bozeman, Montana

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. - Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. - Written on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. - Revolution Books. New York, New York.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! - Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.< P>

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

More Things I Have Learned

I learned something new this weekend. Don't go to a Gun and Militia show if you are royally pissed at your spouse. You might come home with something you will regret. On the plus side, I don't think my neighbor will be complaining about me anymore.

Never piss off a woman with a gun.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Céad Míle Failte...A hundred thousand welcomes

The Irish Claddagh Symbol is named for the Irish coastal town of Claddagh (pronounced "clah-dah"), where the ring design is attributed to an ancient local legend about a townsman kidnapped into slavery, who returns to present a ring to his true love. Claddagh rings are a traditional token of loyalty and friendship as well as romantic love. The Claddagh design usually appears on rings, but is now used on all sorts of items, from jewellry to napkins to family crests. The hands in the design represent friendship, the heart, love, and the crown, loyalty. Various traditions ascribe different meanings to the ring, depending on how it is worn- as a wedding ring, it is worn on the left hand, with the heart pointed inward. As an engagement ring, it is worn on the right hand, with the heart pointing inward; for friendship, it is worn on the right hand, heart turned outward.

I want one of these. Just to remind myself that I always have some true friends. Happy St. Patrick's Day!

As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point in the wrong direction
Hee hee. Need I say more? Happy Fuck you Friday! Now Fuck off and have a great weekend.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Welcome to my insanity. Please keep your hands and feet inside at all times

No, I have not fallen off the face of the earth. Things have been slightly busy and extremely chaotic around here lately. To those of you who emailed, messaged, or called to check up on me, Thank you. We are all hanging in, but your thoughts and good wishes really helped me.

This is going to be a reaaalllly looonng post. I will try and give you all the thumbnail sketch of what has been going on here lately. I will start with the most recent and move backwards. Hang on, here we go.

Yesterday, we inherited a new member of our family. Mark, you are going to think we are crazy, but we got a kitten yesterday. Today he thinks I am playing a game when I type. He is trying to attack my fingers. The doctor suggested I get my daughter an animal she could be responsible for. Something that would help her feel good about herself. She didn't want a fish or something quiet. She wanted a kitten. Now my older cat is royally pissed off at all of us. Just what I need. Another moody animal to deal with. I hope this works for my girl.

On the weekend, we travelled to the big city of Thompson. (If you have never been there, that was sarcasm). It was an 8 hour bus ride one way. Trees are really pretty, but staring at them for 8 hours on a bus gets pretty dull quickly. We were travelling there because my daughter was competing in the Provincials for bowling. Her team recieved the Silver Medal. Not bad considering after the second game, they were in last place. It was nice to get away for a few days. I think I needed that.

Now onto the crazy stuff. You may remember that I had mentioned that my one daughter was being bullied. It has kind of snowballed since then. I ended up pulling my daughters out of their school and transferring them to another school. It seems crazy to move them with only 4 months left in the year, but it had to be done. Both girls seem so much happier now. I had forgotten ( or maybe it happened so slowly I didn't realize how unhappy my girls were) what it was like to live with happy children. It is so nice to pick them up from school and have them come out with smiles. It has been almost three weeks and I haven't heard " I don't want to go to school" once. Hooray!!

is It all just came to a head one evening and I said enough! and pulled them right then and there. Maybe you remember I did a favor for a friend. I had his daughter stay with us for a week while he was in Mexico for a wedding because his ex refused to take their daughter. It is true. No good deed goes unpunished. I am paying for that good deed. I got a vile letter from the mother. I was just going to ignore it but things got out of hand quickly. I guess my daughter went to school and said we were going to sue this girl's mom. (which wasn't true) Why my daughter said it, I don't know. Kids do stupid things. Anyway, this Mother flipped and sent an email to the school about it. The teacher then pulled my daughter out of class and confronted her about it. She denied knowing anything about it. (I felt the teacher should have called me. It is an adult situation) My daughter was hysterical when she got home. Her Dad called the school and asked them about it. They refused to show us the email but said it was all okay. Fine. The next day, my other daughter was in gym class. (I have never liked the gym teacher and this did not help) My former friend's daughter went to the teacher and said my girl was being mean to her. The teacher pulled my girl out of the class and yelled at her to stop being mean. When my girl started to cry and asked exactly what she had done wrong, the teacher said she didn't know, just stop being mean. I was furious. Her Dad made another call to the school. Again we were assured all was well. It went like this for another day.Then the other girl's father called me and went up one side of me and down the other. He went crazy over the whole suing thing.I tried to tell him it was just kids being stupid and to ignore it. That was the wrong thing to tell him. He went on about how rotten my girls are and how rotten of a parent I was. He called my kids the bullies and that he was going to get the principal to get them. He was acting insane. You couldn't reason with him. Now my girls are terrified of him. Keep in mind, the week before, we were perfectly good enough to take care of his daughter when he was in a jam. It was crazy. The next day, The principal pulled my girls out of class to ask them who their emergency contact person was. It is my Dad a fact she could have looked up on her computer and why she needed to know that, I have no idea. The girls were scared and confused. Hence another call to the school. We were again assured they were just checking in on the girls. 5:30 that night the girls told me that the principal had pulled them out of class later and made them applogize to the other girl. The principal NEVER mentioned this to us. This was the last straw. I saw red. I phoned the school and left a message saying enough was enough. My daughter's health was suffering and both girls hated school. They were being bullied, and intimadated by two students, a parent, the teachers and the principal. I told them that the girls would no longer be students of that school effective IMMEDIATELY! Of course, the next morning, she called and wanted to meet with the girls and us. I told her that I had two infants at home, I would have to ask my parents to drive 50 miles one way to come in and look after them in order to meet with her. I also told her since their Dad had missed so much time at work that week dealing with all of this that I wasn't sure he would be able to meet with her. She wanted us to bring the girls. We refused. I figured they had already done enough damage to them. They were not going to get another shot at them. We went in and met with the principal and the teacher. The principal said how shocked she was that the girls were that upset (HELLO?!?! Where the hell have you been?) We told her it didn't matter what they promised, the girls were not going back. The girl's dad also told her that we should have called the police after the first threat against my daughter. Since the school has done nothing. The principal and the teacher both said how good my girls were and how sorry they were to have them leave. They said they never had any trouble with them and it was a shame for us to leave since we have had kids in that school for 9 years. Basically we said tough luck. We are done. We left that meeting and went and registered the girls in a new school right away. So far, I am very impressed with the school. They are welcoming and when we registered, they gave us a form telling us exactly what their stance is on bullying. What steps they take to deal with it and what consequences there will be for anyone caught bullying. So far our experience has been nothing but positive. The only snag we have is how to get the girls to the school. We cannot find any daycare available close by and we can't get them on the school bus. I love this one. We can't bus them because they live too far away from the school. Well duh. That is why we need the bus. My friend has been watching them in the mornings and driving them to school for me. It is good to have friends you can count on. Anyway, the only solution we have come up with is that we now send them by taxi cab to school every morning and I pick them up after school. It is a little expensive, but it is the only way we can do it. The girls don't seem to mind, so all is good.

I bet you thought pulling the girls out would stop the problems with this former friend and his kid didn't you. Guess again. Last week I spoke to him. He was on another rampage. I guess the rumor around the school is that he is going after my kids. He is blaming my girls for that. I told him that it is true the girls are terrified of him and his crazy wife. He was telling me that I have to stop the rumors. I cannot control what other people say. I told him that the girls have only been in the school once to get their work to transfer to their new school. He told me they were talking to kids from the school and he wants it to stop. I told him that to ask the girls to not talk to their friend from the school is unreasonable. I told him that they already left the school and I didn't know what else I can do. He also said that my girls were the bullies in the school and my daughter was lying about being threated by the boy. Oh well. Funny how the Principal told us we weren't the first people to have trouble with this boy. Not much I can do. I have washed my hands of the whole business. My girls are happier and that is all that counts.

That has been my life in a nutshell. I hope everyone is doing well. I will try to get around to check on everyone. Take care all.

Thursday, March 01, 2007


Readers of New York magazine were asked to invent country-song titles. Here are some entries:

- Ain't No Trash In My Trailer Since The Night I Threw You Out

- You Wanted To Get Hitched, But My Heart Is Filled With Whoa

- Baked My Sweetie A Pie, But He Left With A Tart

- I Lost My Honey Bunny On A Bad Hare Day

- She Chews Tobacco, But She Didn't Choose Me

- The Peach I Picked In Georgia Didn't Cling To Me For Long

- Don't Want That Floozy In My Jacuzzi

- I Found The Recipe For Heartbreak In A Cookbook On Your Shelf

- Now That We're Miserable, I Hope You're Happy