GRACE KELLY

Grace Kelly Video

Grace Kelly lyrics - Mika lyrics

Mika Music Videos

Music Video Codes by VideoCure

i want to talk to you

(the last time we talked mr smith you reduced me to tears i promise you it wont happen again)

do i attract you? do i repulse you with my queasy smile? am i too dirty? am i too flirty? do i like what you like? i could be wholesome i could be loathsome i guess im a little bit shy

why dont you like me? why dont you like me? without making me try?

I tried to be like grace kelly(mmm) but all her looks were to sad(uhhh) so i tried a little freddy(MMMM) ive gone identity mad!!

i could be brown i could be blue i could be violet sky i could be hurtful i could be purple i could be anything you like gotta be green gotta be mean gotta be everything more why dont you like me? why dont you like me? why dont you walk out the door?

(getting angry doesn't solve anything)

how can i help it? how can i help it? how can i help what you think?

hello my baby hello my baby

putting my life on the brink why dont you like me? why dont you like me? why dont you like yourself? should i bend over? should i look older? just to be put on the shelf?

i tried to be like grace kelly(mmm) but all her looks were to sad(uhh) [Grace Kelly lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

so i tried a little freddie(MMMM) iv gone identity mad!!

i could be brown i could be blue i could be violet sky i could hurtful i could be purple i could be anything you like gotta be green gotta be mean gotta be everything more

why don't you like me why don't you like me walk out the door!

say what you want to satisfy yourself hey! but you only want,what everybody else says you should want, you want.

i could be brown i could be blue i could be violet sky i could hurtful i could be purple i could be anything you like gotta be green gotta be mean gotta be everything more why don't you like me why don't you like me walk out the door

i could be brown i could be blue i could be violet sky i could hurtful i could be purple i could be anything you like gotta be green gotta be mean gotta be everything more why don't you like me why don't you like me walk out the door ooo000o0o0o0ooooahh humphrey we're leaving! kachinga!

I think the song pretty much says it all.

SEPTEMBER 11

SEPTEMBER 11

Need I say more? Please take a minute today and remember.

SIGH

I get so tired of this. I am sure you are tired of reading it too but here is another bitch.

I have been treasurer of the school Parent Council for two years now. I thought I was done. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. The Auditor wanted the books in June. We had lots of cheques we had to send out in June and it was a pain to get the books into her in June but we did it. She had the books all summer. She only started looking at them last week. So what the hell was the rush to get them in? Now this woman is making my life hell. She is nitpicking things and it is starting to piss me off. She forgets I am not an accountant. I don't have training. I don't get paid. I am a stupid volunteer. I did the best job I could. To call me up and give me hell because I didn't attach the reciepts the way you liked or I did it in pencil (cuz I make alot of mistakes. Remember, I am not an accountant), or I didn't give out reciepts to all the children who purchased penny candy from the canteen is getting a little overboard. Give me a break! If you want it done professionally, HIRE AN ACCOUNTANT! Then she wanted to know why I didn't include the June bank statement. Let's see. It could be because the statements are sent to the school and the school is closed in July and August. Then when I went to pick it up, the school had let a past president of the council take it. Never mind this person hasn't had a child in the school for two years and has no business taking it. Now I am on the hook for it. Plus she wanted to know why I didn't do a financial statement for June. Hello! You had my books. How was I supposed to do it? This woman is going to drive me to drink! More!

Then I have this parent I used to babysit for. In June she backed out on me for the summer with no notice. I should have charged her for it but I didn't. Then she called me and left me a message the week before school started telling me her sister in law VOLUNTEERED to take her boys so she wouldn't need me. Fine. But give me some notice. This did not just occur one morning. Today I got a call from a friend of mine. She wanted to know how much I would charge to take two kids before and after school and what I would charge for the full day. I told her my rates. They are the same for all my kids. Then she proceeded to tell me she was talking to the sister in law of this woman, and my friend was told that the mother pulled her kids from me because I was overcharging her. She said I was charging $50 per day for before and after school. Are you kidding me? I don't even charge half of that! I am so angry I could blow any second! This is the rumour now. Do you really think I will get any more kids if people think I charge that much? I am so angry at this woman. How could she tell such awful lies? What the hell did I ever do to her?

Some days it just doesn't pay to gnaw through the restraints. I am going to unplug the phone and go back to bed for a week!

Hope your week started out better!

LIFE OF A REDNECK

>> HI - Welcome to Manitoba

>> >> Thank you for visiting our beautiful province. >>

>> Here are a few things you ought to know to make your stay more pleasant: >>

>> 1. That slope-shouldered farm boy you are snickering at did more work >> before breakfast than you will do all week at the gym. >>

>> 2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're >> going to get dust on your BMW. I have a 4-wheel drive because I need it. >> Now drive or get it out of the way. >>

>> >> 3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine-years-old. Yeah, >> we saw Bambi die. We got over it. >>

>> >> 4. Any references to "grain fed" when talking about our women will get >> your butt kicked...by our women. >>

>> >> 5. Pull your pants up, and turn your hat around. You look like an idiot. >>

>> >> 6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their >> final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to >> your ear at the time. >> >>

>> 7. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order >> it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds >> of ham and turkey. >>

>> >> 8. Yeah, we have sweetened ice tea. It comes sweetened, you don't need a >> glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon. >> >>

>> 9. You bring Coke into my house you should bring rye along, and ice. >>

>> 10. So you have a sixty-thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We >> have quarter-million-dollar combines that we use two weeks a year. >>

>> >> 11. Let's get this straight. We may have one stoplight in town, but we >> stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow. >> >>

>> 12. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. So, >> you're a feminist. Isn't that cute. >> >>

>> 13. Yeah, we eat trout, northern pike, walleye and perch, too. If you >> really want sushi and caviar, it's available at the bait shop. >> >>

>> 14. They are pigs and cows. That's what they smell like. Get over it. >> Don't like it? Highways #1 and #16 go two ways - get on one of them. The >> more people that leave, the better the hunting & fishing. >> >>

>> 15. So what if every person in every pick-up waves? It's called being >> friendly. Understand the concept? >> >>

>> 16. Yeah, we have golf courses, more per person than anywhere else on >> earth. Don't hit into the water hazards. It spooks the fish. And stay >> out of the woods, that spooks the deer. Please enjoy your stay. >>

Ahh the life of a Prairie Redneck. God Bless us all.Turns out, great minds think alike. Check out Lord of the Ididots for his perspective on the American Redneck.

SUMMER HOLIDAYS

Well my lovlies, it is finally my summer holidays. I have been on holidays for almost two weeks now. It hasn't felt like a holiday. My kids have had soo many kids sleep over and I have spent almost every waking hour at the skate park with the kids. So much for holidays away from taking care of children. Now it is time for my annual trip. I get a whole three days away from my family, home and life. Woo Hoo!

As my farewell gift to you, I will show you a boob picture.

Now that I got you excited, I will explain the story. When you spent time babysitting preadolescent boys, you get a whole new education. One day the boys asked if I would take them to the "Boob Park". After I spit my coffee out I asked them what they were talking about. The said they wanted me to take them to the "Boob Park " by 7-11. I knew what park they were asking about but I had no idea why they called it that. They informed me that the merry - go - round looked like a boob. I have been taking kids to this park for years. Until that day, I had never noticed. Damn if they weren't right.

So without further ado, I offer you ........ 'THE BOOB PARK'.

Thursday

He's My hero!

The Mysteries of the mind

I have been dreaming about her again. My nights have not been restful. In my dreams, I am trying to contact her. I am trying to reach her. I sense she is trouble. I am trying to get to her but I never do. I wonder if subconscoiusly I know the anniversary of her death is nearing. I didn't dream of her when she died. But she haunts my dreams now.

It isn't like it was the first time someone close to me passed on. Maybe it is because she was my first friend to pass on that haunts me so much. She was so young. So full of life. She had so much to accomplish. She didn't get a chance to adopt her baby.

It frustrates me that I cannot fix this. I can't bring her back. Instead she haunts my dreams. If only I could actually contact her in my dream. Then maybe the dreams will stop. Maybe they will stop after the anniversary of her death passes. Of course then it would have been her birthday. Two events so close together. I feel like I am losing my mind. Maybe she is trying to tell me something. Something I can't quite grasp. Who knows. Maybe she is telling me that I will be joining her soon. I wish I knew.

Shakespeare said.. " to sleep, perchance to dream" For in that sleep of death what dreams may come, /When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, /Must give us pause.

Maybe Shakespeare really understood. I wish I did.

FUCK YOU FRIDAY

It is that time of week again. I guess I disappointed a reader/fan last week because I had no post. Not to worry. I have a great big one this week.

Where to start?

Let's start with the computer itself. It crashed this week. Or at least I thought it crashed. I was so upset. I had not saved to disc any of the emails I had from my friend who had passed away. I was so upset to think that I had lost them. Fortunetly, I didn;t loose them. You can bet they are saved to disc now! Since it has been so hot and we don't have central air, we use window air conditioners. For whatever reason, this summer it seemed to sometimes overload the circuits and blow a fuse. It turns out that all of those blown fuses scrambled the computer because it was not shut down properly. All was saved. Whew

My holidays have started now. You would think that would make me happy. Nope. I hate sounding whiny, but here goes. I did not get paid. Two families owe me money and neither one paid me. Of course they are both on holidays now too. I can't reach them. They have left. Great. I was supposed to go away for a few days the last week in August. Not going to happen now. First off, I don't have the extra money since I didn't get paid. Plus in the mail this week, I recieved a number of unexpected bills. The kids registration for bowling is due that week plus student fees for the boy plus the boy talked too much on his cell phone so I have a huge bill. Yes he will pay for it, he is working to pay it off, but for now, I have to pay it. Then the bowling registration, timetable pickup and calling to arrange teacher meetings all take place the week I wanted to go away. Since their father will not do any of it, it looks like the vaction is off. I am not a happy camper.

There you have it , my Fuck You this week, is sent out to disappointment. Have a good weekend y'all. Happy Fuck you Friday.

I AM WANTED!! HOORAY!!!

guttergirl358.blogspot.com

WANTED FOR THE TRICKY LICKING of a GRACEFUL VENDING MACHINE

$2600

What's Your Blog Wanted For?

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I stole this from Mackey. Now a days it is just nice to be wanted.

Today in history

Today is a big day in our home. Today my baby twins enter the double digits. My little girls turn 10! They were so excited last night they couldn't sleep. Remember when you used to look forward to birthdays instead of hiding from them? Me either. I guess that is part of old age.

My angels have certainly come along way. When they were born, they were 2 months early. They weighed 3lbs 5 oz and 3 lbs 7oz. They were so tiny. We couldn't even hold them for a month after they were born because they were so tiny and delicate.

So Happy Birthday my babies!

While we are talking about birthdays, skip on over to see.Melissa and her new baby boy Xander. What a cutie. He is a heartbreaker in the making

Monday Funnies

Cops Say the Darndest Things! #16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here!

HAPPY FUCK YOU, FRIDAY

The Difference Between Men and Women

Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then, there is silence in the car.

To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.

And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Fred," Martha says aloud.

"What?" says Fred, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Fred.

"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Fred.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.

"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says. (There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Fred.

"That way about time," says Martha.

"Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Fred," she says.

"Thank you," says Fred.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.

I got this sent to me in an email. Ain't it the truth?

Have a great long weekend and Happy FUCK YOU, FRIDAY!

I am in kid tv hell

This one is for Al

This is my favorite Simpsons episode. It makes me laugh every time I see it. Since Al is not a big fan of the Simpson clan, I thought I might try to swing him over to the other side by posting my fav.

,/p> May I suggest you post your own favorite Simpson episode, then tell Al to come and watch.

Sorry Al I won't be happy until you declare yourself a fan!

It's Okay, I'm Back..... or maybe it's not

No I have not fallen off the face of the earth. When I find out how to do that though, I can't make any promises of not jumping....

Well my little gang of three whole reader, I have been kidnapped for a while. It was totally unexpected. Aren't kidnappings always unexpected?

It started out like any other ordinary day. I plunked my ample ass into the computer chair and logged onto the computer for my daily two minutes of " Don't bug Mom she is reading her emails. I will be off in a minute. Don't bleed on the good towels" time. That is when I made the deadly mistake. I opened a seemingly innocent email from a friend of mine. Enclosed in this little message was an invitation. Woo Hoo an invitation. I never get invited anywhere anymore. Unless you count those online chat rooms that offer to improve my sex life. But I digress.

There it was, the beginning of my disappearance. Yes, it was an invitation to........

FACEBOOK!!

YES, I have been seduced by the dark side. I have been cheating on my bloggin buddies by stalking Facebook. I have found all kinds of people I never thought I would hear of again. I found a friend of mine I haven't seen since my high school grad. He is teaching in South Korea. I also found another friend from high school. We had a great talk. We never hooked up in high school but I always thought there was a spark there. Turns out I was right. However, he was intimidated by little ole me. Hard to believe.

Quite a boost to the ego. However it is a little sad to think of the lost opportunites and wasted time.

Never fear, I am back though. I wouldn't neglect you all for too long. If you want to move over to the dark side too, let me know and I will let you know how to find me on Facebook and we can be friends too!

REST IN PEACE

On Saturday, John Bowie Ferguson passed away from cancer.

He may not have lived in Winnipeg for a long time but he still lived in the hearts of many of us. With out Fergie, Winnipeg may never have had an NHL team. It was thanks to him that we did.

John Ferguson was beyond a legend. His temper,talent and compassion were legendary. He made this city. I heard a quote about him this week. He may have played for Montreal, but he bled Jet Blue. I hope he knew how much this city loved him. He will forever be in our hearts. He will always be rememembered as in integeral part of the Winnipeg Jets. He WAS the heart of the team.

Rest in peace.

What ever happened to polite society?

Last night, I caught the end of a news report. It made me stop and think for a minute. Do you remember when female teachers always wore dresses and high heels.. even for track and field day? Male teachers were always in a suit and tie? And if television commericials are accurate, women washed their floors and homes in dresses and high heels. (What do you mean tv is not reality? It is in my world) In this news report there was a bank robbery. The suspect was a female wearing pyjama pants. Oh how far we have fallen. I found it really funny. I wonder what went through her head. "Oh, I am going to rob a bank today but I don't feel like getting dressed to do it" It just struck me as funny, we even rob banks in our pjs now.

I am happily throwing out all of my clothes now. I will from this day forward, live in my pjs. Comfy or what. Since it is Friday, I think I will get a head start on that plan now.

Of course it is friday so I will offer you this little Fuck you Friday picture.

Blogging for Bling

OOOOH I want these!!!

My kids keep stealing my ear buds. If I had these, I would only have to fight one person in the house for them. Face it, my son would rather go musicless (is that a word?) than be caught dead wearing these!

Check 'em outCheck 'em out for yourself.

Melisa Etherage wrote a song for the event asking where had the American spirit gone, the spirit that questions injustice, that exercises its freedom, have they become too busy to care?

I stole this line from JQ. Sorry JQ. I stole it because this line really speaks to me. Maybe not in the way it ws originally intended but still....

Sometimes I wonder where my spirit went too. I remember when I was idealistic and was going to change the world. When did that change? When did I become jaded? When did I stop caring about the world around me? Maybe it is because I have just gotten older. I have children and responsibilities. Or maybe that is just a cop out. I always read the post of my pals PropagandhiI grew up with two of the members. We are the same age (give or take a few months), They went to university, got an education and still kept their spirit. They care about the world around them. When they see injustice, they fight for it. I shake my head and tsk tsk isn't that too bad, and move on. When did I become what I used to hate? What happened to my spirit?

THE SCIENCE LESSON AKA THE STORY OF MY LIFE

Science Lesson

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.

Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?" A little boy on the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!"

The story of my life. My kids always get maid and mom mixed up

WHEN i SAY THINGS ARE SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL, I AM NOT KIDDING

This twister happened on Friday. As it turned out, I had taken my kids to the batting cages about 10 miles from there. They weren't worried, but I was. I had to bribe them to leave. Ice cream works wonders.

In case you were wondering, we are all safe. There were no fatalities, but, I believe, there were four houses destroyed.

IT'S FRIDAY AGAIN

Yes my fellow readers (all two of you), it is that time of the week again. The time when I get to vent my spleen and hope I feel better about it.

Yup, it is FUCK YOU, FRIDAY !

I have a few things I would like to give the one finger salute to. Right now we are in the middle of a 10 day stretch of baseball. Baseball foe at least one kid every day for 10 days. Then we get one day off and we start again. The playoffs start this weekend, then the city championship, followed by the provincials. Don't forget about the practices and the make up games for the games that were rained out. I am not playing but frankly, I am exhausted.

My daughters were to go to Denver this summer with this girl's club they had joined. They were looking forward to it, now they have changed their minds. I am okay with this cuz I really can't afford the trip. However, the leader of this group is royally pissed off at me. I warned her last week that the girls were starting to change their minds and maybe she should try to build it up as a trip full of fun. I guess she forgot about our conversation. Plus if my girls don't go, two other girls don't want to go. I can understand the leader's frustration but I will not force my 9 year old girls to go to another country with people they are not comfortable with to do something they really don't need or want to do. This morning the leader pretty much hung up on me. She is so angry with me because the girls don't want to go. I told her I would talk to them again and see if I can convince them to go, but the girls are pretty positive they do not want to go.

I was supposed to start a new course this week. SUPPOSED TO were the key words in that sentence. The class was to begin on Tuesday night. Tuesday afternoon, I got the call that the course has been cancelled AGAIN! This is the third time. I am starting to get really pissed off here. They told me I can switch to distance education if I wanted to. That is basically correspondense courses. Hello! School is out in one week. When would I ever find t he quiet time to do the work. Not going to happen. When I called them and told them I wanted my money back because I was not doing distance ed, they lady on the phone was royally ticked at me. Hey lady, you guys cancelled the course THREE TIMES not me.

,/P> One week left of school and the rugrats are out. Yesterday, I asked the only mom I hadn't heard from yet, when her holidays were so I can plan my summer and the activities for the kids. She then informed me that she wouldn't need me this summer. When did she plan on telling me this? Next friday? That is over $1000 of income I was counting on that will not be coming now. How fair is that? If I was a real bitch I would charge her to hold her spot for September. Granted her kids are brats and it will be alot quieter here without them but unexpected drop in income is going to hurt.

In honor of all of these things, I browsed through Photobucket and found this picture that sums up how I am feeling perfectly. Enjoy and have a great weekend. Think of me stuck at baseball.

]

THOSE NAUGHTY PIRATES

INFO FROM THE DOCTOR

Info from the Doctor

A little old woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. She said, "Mount Sinai Hospital? Hello. Darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse, I want all the information from top to bottom, from A to Z."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "Would you hold the line, please, that's a very unusual request?"

Then a very authoritative voice came on and said, "Are you the lady who is calling about one of the patients?"

She said, "Yes, darling! I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel, in room 302."

He said, "Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg, Farber - Finkel. Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her doctor says if she continues improving as she is, he is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home at twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that. That's wonderful news."

The guy on the other end said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the close family?"

She said, "What close family? I'm Sarah Finkel! My doctor don't tell me nothing!"

...ain't it the truth

REFUSING TO BE A MAN

This has to be my favorite Propagahndi songs of all time. I know it can be a little hard to understand, but the message in this song is deep.

Propagandhi Lyrics

Refusing To Be A Man Lyrics

i'm not going to try to tell you that i'm different from all the rest. i've been subject to the same de-structure of desire and i've felt the same effects; i'm a hetero-sexist tragedy. and potential rapists all are we. but don't tell me this is natural. this is nurturing. and there's a difference between sexism and sexuality. i had different desires prior to my role-remodelling. and at six years of age you don't challenge their claims. you become the same. (or withdraw from the game and hang your head in shame). i think that's exactly what i did. i tried to sever the connections between me and them. i fought against their further attempts to convince a kid that birthright can bestow the power to yield the subordination of women and do you know what patricentricity means? i found out just a couple of days ago. it means male values uber alles and hey! whaddaya know... sex has been distorted and vilified. i'm scared of my attraction to body types. if everything desired is objectified then eroticism needs to be redefined. and i refuse to be a "man". dead men don't rape. a gender war in your fucking face. a battle hymn to celebrate the fact that we don't have to become or remain what we've come to hate...

THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES

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FUCK YOU! FRIDAYS

Good Morning to all. It has been a busy, yucky week. I have had a killer headache all week. I think it might have something to do with the fact that it was election time in the province. Nothing much changed. What a waste of my tax dollars. I think only two seats changed. I admit I was disappointed in the result. In my opinion, the NDP government is trying to close our local hospital. I believe we are down to two emergency room doctors. God help you if you need to go to the emerg. Who knows how long you have to wait while bleeding profusely from a vital organ. Our local representative has not said word one to protect our hospital. I could scream that no one has taken a stand about it. I was disappointed that our MLA was re elected by a landslide. I guess rotten health care doesn't bother the voter. AAARRRGGGG!

When I was searching for a great picture for Fuck You Friday, I came across this gem. I think this is how older people will feel when our hospital is closed. In honor of Fuck you Friday, the league of pissed off old women and I, we offer our opinion of sub standard health care.(and no I am not in the picture)

If you have a minute, please head on over to see my pal Canadian Sentinel. Wish his Dad a speedy recovery. They have both had a rough week.

Now have a great weekend. To start you off right here is something you can comfort yourself with. At least you don't live here. It was fucking snowing here this morning. It is almost June. What happened to Global Warming?

SIGN IN THE STORE WINDOW

I got this one sent to me via email from a friend. I am sorry there was no picture to go along with it.

SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW

"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1,000 AL-QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE CANADIAN"!

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Vancouver. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business .... and that the RCMP might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back. But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement. We are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. And after all, it is just a sign. You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?

Answer:

A Funeral Home

(Who said morticians had no sense of humour?)

You gotta love it!!! God Bless Canada!

MORE DEEP THOUGHTS

- In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

(And my feet are cold all year round)

- Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?

(Like this question?)

- Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?

(Simple, young men where their pants so low they hang around at their ankles. Old men would fall and break a hip if they did that)

- Why is it that inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened?

(I wouldn't know. I am still too young. I am also still in deep denial)

- If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who really is the dumber sex?

(This is obvious isn't it?)

- Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year?

(Why are we only generous at holiday time? What does Scrooge do the rest of the year?)

- Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and deep wounds as 'just a scratch,' but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks?

(This is why Women have babies and men don't)

- How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

(Simply put, I like my father in law)

- Why do men forget everything and women remember everything?

( Like how to fill an ice cube tray)

- Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American food?

(What is Canadian food?)

- Shouldn't all married men forget their mistakes? After all there's no sense in two people remembering the same things right?

(Women remember their biggest mistake every time their husband makes another mistake.)

- Is the real reason women live longer then men because they don't have to live with women?

(The real reason is that all that dishwashing over the years has built up an amazing amount of defense against disease that would kill the a man)

- If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?

(Well duh)

DEEP THOUGHTS

- Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

(In my house it does)

- Why is it that no matter what colour of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

(and when your done, the water is always black)

- Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

(The day I want to buy one)

- Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

(I live with a teenage boy. I am making sure there still is a fridge left)

- Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

(Gee, it isn't like Cheerios. Those you can just squish with your shoe to make them easier to vacuum)

- How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?

(Better question? How do the they get out?)

- Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not then what was the purpose of the bath?

(See first explaination)

- Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

(That would reduce the amount of dirty laundry I would have)

- When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say 'It's all right'? It isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot?'

( You don't say it is all right when they run into you with a car. What is the difference with a cart. I had a woman run over my already broken toe with her cart once)

- Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

(People actually try to catch the falling item? I am usually running for a towel to clean up either the blood or the liquid that will inevitably be spilt)

- Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

(They don't call us White Trash for nothing)

FUCK YOU ! FRIDAYS

WARNING!!! BITCH SPASMS MAY OCCUR!!!! UH OH, HERE COMES ONE NOW!!

I am so fricking miserable today. I am pissed at the world. No one in this house will lift a gd finger to help around here. I am so fed up. The kids are suppossed to do the dishes every night. I don't think they have done them in three weeks. Granted we are busy on baseball nights, and I will do them those nights but the rest of the nights there is no excuse. All I hear is " it's not my night" . I know I should be pushing them to do it anyway but I am so tired of nagging everyone to do things. We have those ridiculous European cabniets in the kitchen. I hate them. The screws always come loose and then the door falls off. Yesterday, the door fell off one of the higher ones. Being a vertically challenged person, putting the door back on by myself is difficult. I asked the adult male in this house to help me. He didn't have time before baseball and after was "too tired". I complained this morning and I was told it is not that hard, you can do it yourself. FUCK OFF!

My daughters belong to this stupid girls club. It is a service group an aquantance of mine runs. I let the girls join as a favor to her. Had I known what I was getting into, I wouldn't have. It is costing me an arm and a leg. Every time I turn around, they need more money for something else. They are always fundraising. Last night I get a call, they have been volunteered to help with " Take Pride Winnipeg". Basically, I have to get up early Saturday drive them across the city so we can pick up garbage for two fucking hours, then drive them home. Just how I want to spend my Saturday. Plus as a bonus, we meet just after my favorite intersection. It is affectionately called " Confusion Corner". I hate driving at the best of times. I REALLY hate driving at that end of the city.

Then my daughter has a ball practice on sunday at six. Yes we have a ball practice on Mother's Day. The adult male in the house is already complaining about it. Guess what that means? Yup, it will mean I get to take her to it. Oh joy. Not only do I get to nag my son to pack for the camp he leaves for on Monday at 8, cook, do the laundry, and clean, I now get to add ball practice to it. I really want to sit there on Mother's day and listen to one parent tell me that my daughter sucks at baseball and his wife tell all of us what patterns she likes to shave her body hair in. Oh yes, can you picture a better Mother's day. How lucky am I .

Next bitch... My sister in laws birthday was last Saturday. I am the one who buys her present, wraps it, and drops it off at her house. Do I ever get a thank you? NOpe. Sometimes she will phone her brother at work and thank him for buying his sister a wonderful present. Then she will call her other sister and tell her all about the present HER BROTHER bought for her. Once, my other sister in law pointed out to her that it was me who does it. She argued with her. Whatever. Anyway, I get a little pissed off and really don't want to take the time to buy her presents anymore. This year she is running in the weekend to end Breast Cancer. A noble cause of course. However, I am getting calls and letters from her and her parents telling me to give her money for this. They even sent a letter to my parents asking for money. I don't have two nickels to rub together right now. Car insurance, mortagage, property taxes, fees for camp, and car payments are all this month. Sure I have extra money laying around. Anyway, for her birthday, I bought her a card and wrote her a cheque for her race. We didn't even get a thank you. Now I am really pissed. Next year, I am not even sending a card. If h er brother wants to remember her birthday, he can. I am not.

Basically, I am stressed and grouchy. Then I read things that other people are going through and I feel so selfish. Please take some time and go see Melissa and give her your good thoughts. Her husband leaves on Saturday, and will miss the birth of their child. She has alot on her plate and could use your good wishes.

I think my bitch spasms have ended for today. Thanks for tuning in. Have a great Fuck You! Friday and let us know if you played along.

RETURN OF JETS PART??????

It is election time here in Manitoba. In my opinion so far, it has been a quiet campaign. Judging by the election propaganda I have recieved, not even the candidates are interested in it. The election is now two weeks away. So far I have recieved flyers from two candidates and visits from no one.

Today the Conservatives dropped a bombshell. If elected they will bring back the Winnipeg Jets. The Jets leaving Winnipeg is still an open sore here. We try to move on then something drags us back again. First it was the "Save the Jets" campaign, then the demolition of the old arena. While I would love to see the Jets back, I don't see it realistically happening. It was an interesting political move though. Especially when Hugh McFadden brought Thomas Steen (a former Jet and fan favorite) to his announcement. I am interested to see how this plays out. I will keep you updated. If you want, you can read the http://winnipegsun.com/News/ProvElection/2007/05/07/4160682.htmla>article

Top Ten Things Only Women Understand

10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.

9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off white.

8. Crying can be fun.

7. Fat clothes.

6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.

4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.

2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.

1. Other women!

Greetings all.

Today I have a little assignment for you. My friends over at Propagandhi, have issued a request. It is unusual, I will admit. Turns out the Winnipeg published "The Beaver Canada's History Magazine is running a contest. They are looking for nominations for The Worst Canadian in history. Now Propagandhi's Chris Hannah is looking for a nomination. Yes Chris wants to named Worst Canadian. Take a jump over to The Beaver and place your vote.

... and you thought the provincial election wasn't until May 22nd didn't you.

Have a great day and let me know if you voted.

SCARY THOUGHTS FOR TODAY

It may not be Halloween, but do you want to read something that will scare the pants off you?

Canadian Sentinel sent this gem to me. Everyone should read it. It is something that will make you think. It will also scare the bejeezus out of you if you stop to think about it. Check it out and let him know I sent you.

THIS IS WHY I DON'T FLY

Hippopotamus, New York

A woman called to make reservations "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asked "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"

"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.

After some searching, the agent came back with "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."

The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered.

"You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal" was the reply.

It's Fuck You ! Friday Again

The human's capacity for stupidity never ceased to amaze me. Take today's little story for example.

Spring has finally arrived! With Spring comes the annual City clean up. The city has issued notices that street cleaning would be starting on Sunday. It is now Friday, so everyone has had plenty of notice. The no parking signs went up on our street after supper last night. There was to be no parking on our street from 8 AM until 5PM today. This shouldn't be a problem. WRONG WRONG WRONG!

On the way to drop kids off at school this morning there was a car being towed. The driver failed to heed the no parking signs. I then had to walk to the bank. When I got back about an hour later, there were two more cars parked on our street. These cars were pretty much parked in front of the no parking signs. They had already been ticketed and the tow truck was there to move them. The tow truck driver had hooked one car up and was then knocking on doors to find the owner. When no one answered, he climbed into the truck and began honking. I thought he was being very generous giving that much notice that your car was being towed. Finally the owners come running out of their homes to retrieve their cars. Along with their tickets. While this is going on, another car pulls up. He parks between the two tow truck and takes his coffee and goes into a house. I wanted to ask him if his lobotomy had been performed recently. Some people are just too stupid to inhale oxygen. To those people, I offer this week's FUCK YOU! I hope you all have a great weekend. Now fuck off!

THE PROCRASTINATOR'S CREED

The Procrastinator's Creed 1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan.

13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

At least I finally filed my income tax.

ZZZZZZ...

I am feeling really strange today. (I know I am usually strange, but this is different). The doctor gave me stronger meds to help me sleep. One tiny problem. They don't work. I take them at bedtime and they don't kick in til about 4:00am. Then the next day, I feel sleepy and I have the shakes. I can't think straight. Hell, I can't even type. You have no idea how long this took me to type. I think I will give up on the meds. That might mean I have to give up sleeping altogether though.

On the good news front, I have come to the conclusion that moving schools was the best thing for my girls. Yesterday when I picked them up, my daughter said her day was "wonderful"> When I asked her what was wonderful about it, she said nothing special it was just a good day. My other daughter said she had a good day too. Woo HOO! I heard through the grapevine that since my girls left the school, three more left too and one parent had it out with the gym teacher on the playground. About time someone put her in her place. I feel good about the choice we made to move. I hope it continues.

To the rest of you who are struggling with various troubles lately, my thoughts are with you all. Hang in there.

THE THINGS KIDS SAY

I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter!

Things were good here. Busy as usual. My favorite cousin and her girls came for Easter dinner. I always have a good time with her.

I was reading Al's blog about his conversation with the Rayman, between that post and spending time with my cousin I remembered a story my Aunt told me.

My Aunt was a teacher for many years. She is a very proper, church going lady. I don't think she has ever said a bad word, drank, or smoked in her life. One day a little boy came in from recess.. we will call him Billy.

Billy: Mrs. G, Tommy said a bad word.

Mrs. G: What did he say, Tommy?

Billy: He said "THE R WORD!!!"

Now keep in mind we are talking about a very proper woman here. She quickly ran down a list of all the bad words she could think of but could not come up the dreaded "R" word. Finally she had to give up.

Mrs. G: I am sorry Billy, I don't think I know the "R" word. You are going to have to tell me the word.

Are your ready for this?

Are you sure?

Have you gone through all the swear words you can think of?

Billy: He said "ARSE".

My poor Aunt didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

HAPPY EASTER!

Another day, Another meltdown courtesy of my daughter. I thought things were getting better. She seemed happier. I don't get " Don't make me go to school. Please Mom! Don't make me go". Silly me, I thought that meant things were turning around. It is all back with a vengance. We saw the Pychologist. She didn't see any problems with her. She told us she was a tomboy who had some issues with letter and number formaition. She said she would grown out of it all. Great $950 to be told exactly what we already knew. That was money well spent. If there are no problems, then why is she acting this way? What is setting her off like that? We have watched her diet, sleep patterns, friends, and everything else we can think of. There is no pattern to it. Not related to moon cycles, time of the month, or the tides. It is not related to the weather. I give up. I am sooo tired. I don't know if I can keep this up much more. It just beats you down. Sometimes I think she would be better off without me. She would be better with someone who can figure out, what the hell is going on. We have been to so many doctors. No one has any answers. Maybe it is just bad parenting. I just don't know anymore. The fight has gone out of me. I just can't do it anymore. Meds don't help. If they up my meds anymore, I will be comotose (hmmm maybe not a bad idea). I just can't go on anymore. The effort to put one foot in front of the other is just too much. I can't do it. Stick a fork in me. I am done.

Two Trouble Makers

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.

So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.

The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

FUCK YOU ! FRIDAYS

FU Friday winner.

It was a close contest this week people. Spring Break from school started out as a strong contender. The kids being home all week fighting and generally driving me crazy looked like they had a chokehold on being the champion this week. However, Computer troubles knocked the contender out. My stupid computer is so slow this week. I can type a sentence go get a cup of coffee and come back and my sentence is just appearing on the screen. AAARRRRGGGG!!!! I have tried numerous virus scans but nothing is coming up. I am ready to put my foot through it.

We also had a comback kid this week. Yes, our old friend Death made a surprise visit this week. My son's favoite teacher succumed to Cancer this week. This onderful lady taught my son in grade 2. His class was her last one before she retired. She was the consumate teacher right til the end. She passed away during Spring Break. I guess even in death she didn't want to disrupt the school year. Then my friend let me know that her Grandfather passed away this week too. The good news was she was able to see him before he passed away.

The next competetor is a new one here. It is a tag team consisting of my teenager and my school. They were out in full force this week. My teenager has spent an ungodly amount of time of the phone since he has gotten his first girlfriend. Don't get me wrong. I like her. She has spunk. (The last day of school before spring break, she was suspended for punching a kid in the nose. His crime? He kept calling her fat.) However when my son is talking to her, he refuses to answer any other incoming call. My school called to tell me they cancelled my class that was to start next week. By the time I realized there was a message and the importance of it, the office is closed until Monday. What do you think the chances are of me getting transferred into a class that isn't full on Monday considering the classes start again on MOnday. Can you say "Not impressed?" When I left a message for his Dad complaining about it, he called home to talk to me about it. The boy was on the phone (again). His Dad told him to hang up the phone. He meant get off the phone with his girlfriend. The boy thought he meant to hang up right away, so he did. He promptly hung up on his Dad. So I was royally pissed at the boy for not getting the message to me right away and I was ticked at the school for waiting til the last day to inform me that my class was cancelled. After all, I did register for it over 2 weeks ago.

The weather here was also in contention to be the winner. It was beautiful on Monday. It has gone downhill from there. It is -14C here today. It is supposed to be SPRING!!!! I had started to pack away the mitts and winter coats only to have to pull them out again. When will spring arrive?

However, this week's winner is a repeat champion from weeks past. It has made it's triumphant return in all it's stinky, messy, abundant glory. Yes folks, this week's FUCK YOU goes to ......

MY FAVORITE AND YOURS.... LAUNDRY!

Yes, after having a housefull of children surrounded by mud and teenagers, Laundry has taken over the basement and is climbing up the stairs as we speak. So to my laundry that multiplies in the dark I offer a huge FUCK YOU! Now Fuck off and have a good weekend. Don't forget to let us know if you played along.Fuck

Another Sad Day

Zero to 200

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services will be at Downing Funeral Home on Monday the 12th. Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service. Please send your donations to the "Think Before You Say Things To Your Wife Foundation," Dallas, Texas.

Wacky Wednesday

I must confess I did not make this one up. I have seen it a few times in various emails. I felt like I needed a laugh today, so I thought I would share it with you all so you can get a much needed laugh too. Enjoy

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people the world over are asking! Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke but the questions were really asked.

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England)

A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)

A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto -can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)

A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (England)

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe... Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)

A: No, we don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)

A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)

A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent. They roam the city streets eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. Spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking will scare them off.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

DON'T MESS WITH MOMS

Mother's Wedding Dress

A couple was getting married, and it was only three days before the wedding. The bride calls her mother with some bad news. "Mom," she says, "I just found out that my fiance's mother has bought the exact same dress as you to wear to the wedding."

The bride's mother thinks for a minute. "Don't worry," she tells her daughter. "I'll just go and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony."

"But mother," says the bride, "that dress cost a fortune. What will you do with it? It's such a waste not to use it."

"Who said I won't use it?" her mother asked. "I'll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner."

SAD NEWS

What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote the song "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in...

...and then the trouble started.

Bathroom Philosophers

Some ordinary folks become great philosophers when they are sitting alone in the bathroom stalls of the world contemplating life's problems. Here are a few gems.

Make love, not war. Heck, do both, get married! - Women's restroom. Bozeman, Montana

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. - Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. - Written on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. - Revolution Books. New York, New York.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! - Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.< P>

More Things I Have Learned

I learned something new this weekend. Don't go to a Gun and Militia show if you are royally pissed at your spouse. You might come home with something you will regret. On the plus side, I don't think my neighbor will be complaining about me anymore.

Never piss off a woman with a gun.

Céad Míle Failte...A hundred thousand welcomes

The Irish Claddagh Symbol is named for the Irish coastal town of Claddagh (pronounced "clah-dah"), where the ring design is attributed to an ancient local legend about a townsman kidnapped into slavery, who returns to present a ring to his true love. Claddagh rings are a traditional token of loyalty and friendship as well as romantic love. The Claddagh design usually appears on rings, but is now used on all sorts of items, from jewellry to napkins to family crests. The hands in the design represent friendship, the heart, love, and the crown, loyalty. Various traditions ascribe different meanings to the ring, depending on how it is worn- as a wedding ring, it is worn on the left hand, with the heart pointed inward. As an engagement ring, it is worn on the right hand, with the heart pointing inward; for friendship, it is worn on the right hand, heart turned outward.

I want one of these. Just to remind myself that I always have some true friends. Happy St. Patrick's Day!

As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point in the wrong direction

Hee hee. Need I say more? Happy Fuck you Friday! Now Fuck off and have a great weekend.

Welcome to my insanity. Please keep your hands and feet inside at all times

No, I have not fallen off the face of the earth. Things have been slightly busy and extremely chaotic around here lately. To those of you who emailed, messaged, or called to check up on me, Thank you. We are all hanging in, but your thoughts and good wishes really helped me.

This is going to be a reaaalllly looonng post. I will try and give you all the thumbnail sketch of what has been going on here lately. I will start with the most recent and move backwards. Hang on, here we go.

Yesterday, we inherited a new member of our family. Mark, you are going to think we are crazy, but we got a kitten yesterday. Today he thinks I am playing a game when I type. He is trying to attack my fingers. The doctor suggested I get my daughter an animal she could be responsible for. Something that would help her feel good about herself. She didn't want a fish or something quiet. She wanted a kitten. Now my older cat is royally pissed off at all of us. Just what I need. Another moody animal to deal with. I hope this works for my girl.

On the weekend, we travelled to the big city of Thompson. (If you have never been there, that was sarcasm). It was an 8 hour bus ride one way. Trees are really pretty, but staring at them for 8 hours on a bus gets pretty dull quickly. We were travelling there because my daughter was competing in the Provincials for bowling. Her team recieved the Silver Medal. Not bad considering after the second game, they were in last place. It was nice to get away for a few days. I think I needed that.

Now onto the crazy stuff. You may remember that I had mentioned that my one daughter was being bullied. It has kind of snowballed since then. I ended up pulling my daughters out of their school and transferring them to another school. It seems crazy to move them with only 4 months left in the year, but it had to be done. Both girls seem so much happier now. I had forgotten ( or maybe it happened so slowly I didn't realize how unhappy my girls were) what it was like to live with happy children. It is so nice to pick them up from school and have them come out with smiles. It has been almost three weeks and I haven't heard " I don't want to go to school" once. Hooray!!

is It all just came to a head one evening and I said enough! and pulled them right then and there. Maybe you remember I did a favor for a friend. I had his daughter stay with us for a week while he was in Mexico for a wedding because his ex refused to take their daughter. It is true. No good deed goes unpunished. I am paying for that good deed. I got a vile letter from the mother. I was just going to ignore it but things got out of hand quickly. I guess my daughter went to school and said we were going to sue this girl's mom. (which wasn't true) Why my daughter said it, I don't know. Kids do stupid things. Anyway, this Mother flipped and sent an email to the school about it. The teacher then pulled my daughter out of class and confronted her about it. She denied knowing anything about it. (I felt the teacher should have called me. It is an adult situation) My daughter was hysterical when she got home. Her Dad called the school and asked them about it. They refused to show us the email but said it was all okay. Fine. The next day, my other daughter was in gym class. (I have never liked the gym teacher and this did not help) My former friend's daughter went to the teacher and said my girl was being mean to her. The teacher pulled my girl out of the class and yelled at her to stop being mean. When my girl started to cry and asked exactly what she had done wrong, the teacher said she didn't know, just stop being mean. I was furious. Her Dad made another call to the school. Again we were assured all was well. It went like this for another day.Then the other girl's father called me and went up one side of me and down the other. He went crazy over the whole suing thing.I tried to tell him it was just kids being stupid and to ignore it. That was the wrong thing to tell him. He went on about how rotten my girls are and how rotten of a parent I was. He called my kids the bullies and that he was going to get the principal to get them. He was acting insane. You couldn't reason with him. Now my girls are terrified of him. Keep in mind, the week before, we were perfectly good enough to take care of his daughter when he was in a jam. It was crazy. The next day, The principal pulled my girls out of class to ask them who their emergency contact person was. It is my Dad a fact she could have looked up on her computer and why she needed to know that, I have no idea. The girls were scared and confused. Hence another call to the school. We were again assured they were just checking in on the girls. 5:30 that night the girls told me that the principal had pulled them out of class later and made them applogize to the other girl. The principal NEVER mentioned this to us. This was the last straw. I saw red. I phoned the school and left a message saying enough was enough. My daughter's health was suffering and both girls hated school. They were being bullied, and intimadated by two students, a parent, the teachers and the principal. I told them that the girls would no longer be students of that school effective IMMEDIATELY! Of course, the next morning, she called and wanted to meet with the girls and us. I told her that I had two infants at home, I would have to ask my parents to drive 50 miles one way to come in and look after them in order to meet with her. I also told her since their Dad had missed so much time at work that week dealing with all of this that I wasn't sure he would be able to meet with her. She wanted us to bring the girls. We refused. I figured they had already done enough damage to them. They were not going to get another shot at them. We went in and met with the principal and the teacher. The principal said how shocked she was that the girls were that upset (HELLO?!?! Where the hell have you been?) We told her it didn't matter what they promised, the girls were not going back. The girl's dad also told her that we should have called the police after the first threat against my daughter. Since the school has done nothing. The principal and the teacher both said how good my girls were and how sorry they were to have them leave. They said they never had any trouble with them and it was a shame for us to leave since we have had kids in that school for 9 years. Basically we said tough luck. We are done. We left that meeting and went and registered the girls in a new school right away. So far, I am very impressed with the school. They are welcoming and when we registered, they gave us a form telling us exactly what their stance is on bullying. What steps they take to deal with it and what consequences there will be for anyone caught bullying. So far our experience has been nothing but positive. The only snag we have is how to get the girls to the school. We cannot find any daycare available close by and we can't get them on the school bus. I love this one. We can't bus them because they live too far away from the school. Well duh. That is why we need the bus. My friend has been watching them in the mornings and driving them to school for me. It is good to have friends you can count on. Anyway, the only solution we have come up with is that we now send them by taxi cab to school every morning and I pick them up after school. It is a little expensive, but it is the only way we can do it. The girls don't seem to mind, so all is good.

I bet you thought pulling the girls out would stop the problems with this former friend and his kid didn't you. Guess again. Last week I spoke to him. He was on another rampage. I guess the rumor around the school is that he is going after my kids. He is blaming my girls for that. I told him that it is true the girls are terrified of him and his crazy wife. He was telling me that I have to stop the rumors. I cannot control what other people say. I told him that the girls have only been in the school once to get their work to transfer to their new school. He told me they were talking to kids from the school and he wants it to stop. I told him that to ask the girls to not talk to their friend from the school is unreasonable. I told him that they already left the school and I didn't know what else I can do. He also said that my girls were the bullies in the school and my daughter was lying about being threated by the boy. Oh well. Funny how the Principal told us we weren't the first people to have trouble with this boy. Not much I can do. I have washed my hands of the whole business. My girls are happier and that is all that counts.

That has been my life in a nutshell. I hope everyone is doing well. I will try to get around to check on everyone. Take care all.

COUNTRY SONG TITLES

Readers of New York magazine were asked to invent country-song titles. Here are some entries:

- Ain't No Trash In My Trailer Since The Night I Threw You Out

- You Wanted To Get Hitched, But My Heart Is Filled With Whoa

- Baked My Sweetie A Pie, But He Left With A Tart

- I Lost My Honey Bunny On A Bad Hare Day

- She Chews Tobacco, But She Didn't Choose Me

- The Peach I Picked In Georgia Didn't Cling To Me For Long

- Don't Want That Floozy In My Jacuzzi

- I Found The Recipe For Heartbreak In A Cookbook On Your Shelf

- Now That We're Miserable, I Hope You're Happy